a culture of tech-sex

Once upon a time I had a dick on my phone.

I was in high school and the person who was interested in me at the time thought it would be appropriate to engage in some heated conversation with a follow up of a photo of his boy bits.

I’ve always found this as peculiar behavior; do boys honestly think that’s attractive? Do they realize that because of the shrinking size of technology, it makes it appear as though what they’re packing isn’t at all impressive?

What’s worse is that it’s not at all uncommon for guys to request such provocative photos from attractive women. I suppose I’ve never seen the appeal of having something just out of your reach as a constant reminder in your phone.

I personally was always the one with the deathly fear of sending any nude pictures of myself. I’ve always been technologically savvy and therefore was constantly reminded of the risks.

What if I ended up on some site that charges money and I never get my cut?

What if I planned on selling my virginity and all of a sudden the property value went down because someone’s already seen the floor plan?

What if someone tries to kidnap me and sell me overseas into sex slavery?

You know, the typical fears most people have, right?

But I won’t lie and say that I’m completely innocent – sending racy pictures has almost become a specialty of mine, and I’ve done so without even being nude. Imagine that?

That way, if someone saw it that I never planned on seeing it, I could easily play it off as just sending an innocent picture, and that I couldn’t help that it turned them on. It’s the perfect plan.

But you always read about the people who sent nude pics to their boyfriend, their boyfriend then showed it to their friends, and then  the girl ends up killing herself. Not that suicide is anything but serious, but I honestly never understood the line of thinking either of these people had.

My first thought is, wow that girl was really dumb enough to not only take in a shit boyfriend but to send him things he didn’t deserve? He’s a teenager, he’s not going to appreciate the human body he’s just gonna gawk at it. Why would you even bother? Are you that cheap?

Secondly, as a boyfriend why would you even share that with your friends? You’re pretty much saying that your girlfriend is a cheap slut, and even if she was why share the wealth with the guys? Make them work for it dude, and don’t get mad later when she sleeps with one of your friends because you decided to be a douchebag.

But being seen by others that I don’t know wasn’t my only fear when it came to nude pictures; I was scared of sexting. I’m still scared of texting the wrong people now without sexual connotation.

I have all sorts of numbers in my phone – ex boyfriends, new dating potentials, stalkers, employers, coworkers, professors, etc. I’m the type of person that can’t delete information unless it’s absolutely bad for me to have it; if I had deleted my ex’s number from this past year I would have cursed his ass out every day and never would have gotten over it.

It’s my biggest fear to drunk dial or even text something stupid to the wrong person. It’s why whenever I party you notice my phone is either locked in my bedroom or locked in my car under a bunch of shit.

In general it just doesn’t seem like a good idea to provide concrete evidence that you’re a whore to the general public. And if all of this doesn’t make you uncomfortable with it yet, please note that your phone company does have people screening your text messages. And I bet you that the person who reads your failed attempt at being a phone slut is laughing at you and your parents for even paying your phone bill.

Lesson: stop embarrassing your family, have sex in real life.

I’ve done some pretty kinky things in my life when it comes to sex, I’ll admit. If you name it I’ve probably done it, or at least thought about it. Except for that masochistic shit, not into that. But the one thing I refuse to do ever is video tape it. That’s even worse than a photo!

I don’t think I have the personality for a sex video. I’d be too concerned with things that are irrelevant.

“How does my hair look?”
“Is the oven on? Shit I think it is…”
“So this is all I’m getting, huh?”

Welcome to my sex life.

Anyway, I find it difficult enough to just take pictures. People have said I’m very photogenic, but I’m picky as hell when it comes to photos. I think people underestimate how difficult it is to take a picture of yourself.

You think the outcome will look like this:

When you really end up looking like this:

(As a sidenote that is my actual picture. Which one am I talking about? You’ll never know, now will you?)

I suppose sex addicts would get frustrated with me because I would make them wait hours on end before I approved of a photo for them to masturbate to. Imagine how long it would take to film a video?? In the end I suppose I’m just too damn lazy to have tech-sex. I suppose I’ll stick to regular sex, since it comparatively takes far less effort.

But for those of you that do enjoy the occasional grinding of the gadgets I think Apple should just go ahead and make an app for you. It’ll be better than Facetime, name it Cocktime. Maybe put in a “like/dislike” feature for instant feedback, a tips section from Cosmo? I’m sure we can find a 10 year old Chinese kid to create the app for us, they already made half the store anyway.

Speaking of something not at all relevant to China, I want you to do the following and let the hilarity ensue:

DO THIS OR DIE BY MY HANDS AND THE HANDS OF GOOGLE (PERHAPS)

1. Go to translate.google.com
2. English -> French
3. Type in “Take a dirty picture for me” without the quotes
4. Copy the result and change it from French -> English
5. Paste what you copied and translate it back.
6. Commence laughter.

I love playing with languages. ❤